As the days grow shorter and we settle into the quiet of November, it’s a beautiful time to reflect on how we emotionally show up in our relationships. Love thrives not just through words, but through emotional safety and attunement. This month, I invite you to explore one powerful practice in your relationship: Turning Toward. The art of responding to your partner’s emotional bids with presence, curiosity, and care.
What Is an Emotional Bid?
An emotional bid is any subtle attempt to connect: a glance, a sigh, a question, a touch. It’s your partner saying, “Are you there for me?” even when they don’t use those words. These bids are the building blocks of emotional security and safety.
Turning towards bids for connection is a fundamental ability to notice how your partner asks for connection and expresses their emotional needs. Life is full of small moments like these and becoming aware of them gives you control over how you respond and turn these moments into signals of connection and safety in your relationship. Over time, turning towards bids for connection creates deeper intimacy and connection with your partner.
Turning Toward vs. Turning Away
When partners receive a bid for connection, there are four responses that are typically used: Turning Toward, Turning Toward Enthusiastically, Turning Away, and Turning Against.
· Turning Toward: You notice the bid and respond with warmth. “You seem quiet, want to talk?” or “I love when you share that with me.”
· Turning Toward Enthusiastically: You notice the bid and respond with warmth and enthusiasm. “That is amazing, tell me more!”
· Turning Away: You miss the bid, ignore it, or respond dismissively. “I’m busy,” “Not now,” or silence.
· Turning Against: You reject the bid by saying something like, “How ridiculous,” or “Don’t bother me with that.”
Over time, these patterns shape the emotional climate of your relationship.
Practice This Week
Connection Check-In: Set aside 15 minutes once a week to ask:
What’s been on your heart lately?
When did you feel most connected to me this week?
Is there anything I missed or didn’t notice recently?
Mini Challenge
Catch one emotional bid each day and consciously turn toward it. Even a simple “I hear you” can shift the tone between you and your partner.
Reflection Prompt
“When I feel emotionally safe with you, I’m more willing to be vulnerable. What helps me feel safe is…”
Write it down. Share it. Let it guide your connection.
Jillian Thony, MFT-A
Marriage and Family Therapist
akconfluence.com
Call/text 907. 313.4433
