Welcome back to the series on Gottman’s Four Horsemen, the toxic communication patterns that predict relationship breakdown. Today, we’re diving into the most corrosive of them all: Contempt.
What is Contempt?
Contempt goes beyond criticism. It’s not just pointing out a flaw, it’s delivering a message with an air of superiority, sarcasm, or disgust. Things like eye rolls, mocking, name-calling, or belittling comments like: “You’re such an idiot. I can’t believe I married someone so lazy.”
Contempt conveys one painful message: “I’m better than you.” And according to Dr. John Gottman’s research, it’s the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Case Vignette: When Contempt Creeps In
Meet Alex and Jordan. They’ve been together for six years, but lately, their arguments have taken a sharp turn.
When Jordan forgets to pay a bill, Alex snaps: “Of course you forgot. You’re hopeless with money just like your dad.”
Jordan shuts down. The conversation ends not with resolution, but with distance.
This moment isn’t really about a missed payment, it’s about a deeper wound. Alex’s contempt signals unresolved resentment and a lack of emotional attunement. Without repair, these moments accumulate, eroding the relationship’s foundation. Keep reading to learn the antidote for contempt.
Why Is Contempt So Toxic?
· It erodes trust and emotional safety.
· It triggers defensiveness or withdrawal.
· It often stems from long-standing resentment or unresolved issues.
· It undermines the foundation of mutual respect—essential for any healthy relationship.
Contempt doesn’t just hurt feelings—it can impact physical health. Couples who regularly engage in contemptuous exchanges are more likely to suffer from illnesses due to weakened immune systems.
What Can We Do About It?
The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. Here’s how:
· Practice gratitude daily. Notice and name what your partner does well.
· Repair resentment early. Don’t let frustrations fester; Address them with curiosity, not criticism.
· Use gentle start-ups. Begin difficult conversations with warmth and clarity, not blame.
· Foster emotional attunement. Tune into each other’s needs and validate feelings, even when you disagree.
Exercise: Replacing Contempt with Appreciation
Try this 10-minute reflection together or solo:
Recall a recent moment of frustration. What did you feel? What did you need?
Write down one thing you appreciate about your partner. Be specific: “I appreciate how you always make me laugh when I’m stressed.”
Share it aloud. Not as a fix, but as a bridge.
Bonus: End with a gentle question: “Can we talk about what happened earlier? I want to understand you better.” This simple shift from judgment to curiosity can soften even the hardest edges.
Reference: gottman.com
Jillian Thony, MFT-A
Marriage and Family Therapist
akconfluence.com
Call/text 907. 313.4433
