Defensiveness is one of John Gottman’s infamous Four Horsemen. While often only a reflex, defensiveness is not a productive communication strategy. When we feel criticized or cornered, our instinct may be to explain ourselves, deny fault, or fire back with a counterattack. Despite the momentary relief it brings, defensiveness ultimately erodes emotional safety in a relationship and derails productive communication.
This newsletter will explore how defensiveness shows up, why it’s so damaging, and what antidotes couples can use to rebuild connection when it creeps in.
What Does Defensiveness Sound Like?
Defensiveness isn’t just about self-protection, it’s a way of avoiding responsibility. It often sounds like:
“That’s not what I said!”
“You do that too, why are you blaming me?”
“It’s not my fault things went wrong.”
“You’re always making me the bad guy.”
While these responses feel justifiable in the moment, they push partners away rather facilitate mutual understanding.
Why It’s Harmful: The Emotional Fallout
When one partner gets defensive, the other often feels unheard, invalidated, or even punished for speaking up. Over time, this erodes trust and creates a cycle: One partner raises a concern. The other responds defensively. The concern is dismissed or flipped. Both leave the conversation more disconnected.
Defensiveness is rarely malicious; it’s usually a form of self-protection. But left unchecked, it can make conflict resolution nearly impossible.
The Antidote: Taking Responsibility (Even Just a Little)
Gottman’s antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility, even in small ways. That doesn’t mean accepting blame for everything. It means acknowledging your part and expressing empathy, or expressing that you can understand at least part of your partner’s perspective. For example:
Instead of: “I didn’t do anything wrong!”
Try: “I see how what I said came off as dismissive. That wasn’t my intention.”
Instead of: “You always overreact.”
Try” “I can understand why you felt upset, and I want to hear more.”
Taking responsibility builds trust and shows you’re willing to accept influence from your partner, rather than seeming like you’re only concerned about being “right.”
Reflection Prompts for Couples
To create healthier patterns, try journaling or discussing these:
When do I tend to get defensive? What triggers that feeling?
What does my partner need from me in those moments?
How can I respond with curiosity instead of defensiveness?
Defensiveness may be a natural reflex, but it doesn’t have to define your relationships. With self-awareness and practice, it can become a signal instead of a stumbling block. By leaning into accountability and empathy, couples make space for healing conversations and deeper connection.
Reference: gottman.com
Jillian Thony, MFT-A
Marriage and Family Therapist
akconfluence.com
Call/text 907. 313.4433
